Its been a little over two weeks since a pregnancy was prescribed by my gynae. Two weeks of thinking, processing and people asking what we have decided to do and how we are going to move ahead.
…and here are our answers
While I have always wanted three children, Phil has often felt differently. At times we have agreed and at others we have been on complete opposite sides of this decision. Its been one of the most difficult decisions to make as we have both wanted to love and respect one another in this and ultimately make the decision together. I have never wanted to feel as though Phil was ‘giving’ me a third baby, but rather that he wanted it just as much as I did. And likewise, neither of us wanted me to go through life wishing that we’d had another or feeling as though our family was incomplete. Now don’t get me wrong, I am so very grateful for our girls and for the family that we have got and I am in no way implying that our family is not enough! I just have this great big desire to have anther baby. I don’t know why, but its not going away.
After much discussion and feeling like we would actually never agree, it was between Christmas and New Year last year that Phil’s desire to grow our family emerged. And while we were both very excited, we KNEW that we needed more time and that 2015 was not the year to fall pregnant. We were 100% on the same page.
And then my little trip to the gynae changed things. While it wasn’t the plan, I was eager to fall pregnant if that was going to be the best thing – because we had after all decided that we wanted to have a third. Because health wise, it seemed like the right thing to do. …And, because I hadn’t actually thought about the logistics of it all.
But, for a number of reasons, it isn’t right..not now:
- Another pregnancy means another fertility journey and I am not sure I am ready for that right now.
- Pregnancy is not an easy thing for me – I get SICK (not Duchess of Cambridge kind of sick, but sick).
- Keatynn is still so little and not yet making any effort to speak (I know that many of you have got small age gaps between your kiddies, and I am in awe of how well you are doing… it just isn’t for me and for that reason it would not benefit my children)
- It feels rushed – I want to enjoy another pregnancy and newborn as much as possible and I am just not emotionally or mentally ready for it yet
- Space – our girls could share a room for a while, but my little polo vivo will not fit a third car seat into it and a bigger car will not fit into our garage. Our study is situated at the front of our garage and so a bigger car means losing the study which is an integral part of our life, especially for Phil.
- My teeth – I have got quite a journey coming up over the next couple of months, including surgery and orthodontics. The surgery would not be possible if I was pregnant which means that this entire process would be put on hold until baby is old enough and I am back on my feet and ready to tackle this once more
And so, for these reasons (and some more), we have decided to hold off on baby making for a while. While our original plan was to start the fertility process in October, this just does not make sense considering it is going to take until August for me to settle on my current meds. I will see my gynae regularly to check the status of the endometriosis and in the mean time I will have to go back onto oral contraceptives (which for various reasons I felt quite strongly about stopping) to keep the endometriosis from growing and to stop the bleeding.
If I am completely honest, I feel relieved. I know that this is absolutely the best decision for our family. I feel that God has purposed our next child and that he or she will come at the exact time that He desires. And I believe whole heartedly that this will be a joyous decision to make at the time and not one that we feel rushed into or pushed to make. In the mean time, we also trust for healing and that no permanent damage will take place.
I also feel such a sense of peace in enjoying our family as it is right now. No pressure, no rush… just trusting that what is right for our family will take place as and when it must.