Why do they even call it that, it sounds so cold and clinical …

I was hoping for good news, I was hoping that we had defied all odds and in spite of everything that was against us, we had somehow managed to fall pregnant this month.

Truth is, we actually did.

On Wednesday afternoon, after experiencing symptoms for over a week, I took a home pregnancy test. In the week leading up to the big event, I had been feeling queasy, exceptionally tired, and a little crampy. I was craving peppermint and just feeling ‘pregnant’. By the time Wednesday came, I was five days late and decided it was time.

Now,once you have four previous pregnancies under your belt, you kinda just know what ‘pregnant’ feels like. I almost didn’t even doubt that a second little line would appear on the test. And for good reason too, five minutes later a second line was there. It was feint, but it was there. Even after coming home today to double check… it was DEFINITELY there. While we got excited and couldn’t quite believe it had happened, we wanted to confirm with a blood test before we felt it was actually legit.

This morning I ventured off to medfem to ‘confirm’ our results and to see Doctor Rodrigues. I am so grateful for God’s presence this morning and for the way the Holy Spirit was ministering to me on my way to the clinic. I just felt so completely humbled before our King, completely surrendered to His will and prepared in a way for what was to come.

The blood results came in … NEGATIVE.

At first I felt a little stupid. How had a so completely misread my body? How had I imagined a line and managed to convince Phil that it was really there (he was far more sceptical than I was).

I am so grateful I got to see Doctor Rodrigues even after getting a negative result (the last time that happened while trying for our first, we went straight home afterwards). I’m glad I had a chance to chat through things and to properly understand what had happened.

Turns out, we had a ‘chemical pregnancy’.

What’s that?

When a chemical pregnancy occurs, a fertilized egg implants in the uterus, and cells that would become the placenta begin to produce levels of the pregnancy hormone hCG that are high enough to detect on a blood or urine test. However, for some reason it does not complete implantation — resulting in bleeding around a week after your regular period was due.

Medically, there is debate as to whether this is a miscarriage or not. For me, it does feel like a loss. I felt my body changing, I felt pregnant. I believe that a baby is a baby from the moment it is conceived and I do believe that we now have another little baby in heaven.

The hurt may not be as big as it was with our previous losses. We didn’t have the time we had with the others to become too attached this time around. But we did have hope and we did have a little line for the teeniest amount of time.

What now?

Now, we wait for my body to do its thing and to realize that nothing is actually growing or developing or coming to being in my belly. We take comfort in Christ, knowing that our family is fully purposed and planned by Him. We keep trusting, believing and hoping in His perfect timing. We know that He is good, ALL of the time!