It’s been over seven years since I last gave in to the lies that come along with anorexia and bulimia. And now, here I am sharing analogies that directly relate to food (there was actually a time in my life that nothing relating to food could ever be comical or taken lightly). Really though, the point of this particular post is not only to expand on my road to recovery… but also to share that although I live like a perfectly normal person (for the most part), my recovery continues and it continues into areas that I didn’t even know needed it.
God has so graciously brought people into my life at very specific and absolute perfect times to facilitate healing and to make me whole again… and I am beyond grateful every time I realise that He is doing something more in me, that He continues to make me whole and that He cares enough to give me one more layer. That He cares enough about the practicality of life and that He is faithful beyond what we could ever imagine.
When I entered the initial phase of recovering from my eating disorder, when I took that first step and walked into a doctor’s rooms to get help, do you know what she told me? … BY THE GRACE OF GOD ALONE… she told me that society will say that I will never fully heal, that I may get better and learn to manage my eating disorder but that I will live with it for the rest of my life.. she then went on and told me that we serve a God that is far greater than society, she told me not to believe those lies and she told me that full recovery IS POSSIBLE. She told me to believe that and to trust God for that with everything that I am.
Guys, seven years down the line. Seven years (probably more) of saying, I AM HEALED and God continues to restore. He continues to add these layers, ,and I just can’t keep quiet about it. I know I have written a little bit about this before… but the story continues.
The core of my healing came when God released me spiritually. After months of crying out to Jesus I stood in church, raised my hands and literally felt chains falling off of my wrists. I knew I was free but after so many years of neglecting my body, I had NO IDEA what was normal and what was not. Having food inside of me, felt completely foreign and I didn’t have a clue how to deal with that.
The second layer was a very practical one. Having people walk alongside me day by day, meal by meal, correcting my thoughts and developing a more normal eating pattern. I had to learn what it was to be hungry and what it was to be full again. Thinking about those particular people who walked this road with me, I have tears of gratitude streaming down my cheeks… you will never know what an impact every message, every phone call and every bit of time you gave up had on me, my life and my family.
I had a little wobble at some point during the process, we had lost two babies and I began to feel a little less than worthy. I started to believe the lies once more. One day I had Dr Phil on in the background while he was talking to someone who had anorexia. I don’t remember much of the conversation except that they spoke about hormonal imbalances and infertility. And just like that I knew that for the sake of my future family I had to rise above the lie and strive forward, believing and trusting for FULL healing.
For six years after that I gave little thought to food (which is pretty unbelievable). I ate what I wanted when I wanted, I watched my body go through two beautiful pregnancies which I loved and enjoyed. I watched a body that was so broken, hold brand new and perfect life. I came to realise that God’s grace goes far beyond what we could ever imagine.
One would think that that would be the final layer, that I was healed… but in the last year, God has given me more.
While eating what I wanted when I wanted was great for my mind, it was less than that for my body. Nobody can or should be able to function optimally on the amount of sugar and processed foods I was eating six years down the line. But, truth be told, I was scared to put any thought into food, I was scared that if I began thinking about labels and what was in my food, I would fall right back into my old ways.
But… GOD IS BIGGER. He cares about the details, he had brought me this far and there was no way He was letting me go back. Shortly after embarking on a healthier way of eating, He gave me a sounding board, someone who listened and reminded me of how good it was to care for myself, that healthy food was not something to be feared but something that would nourish me. Someone who listened to my concerns and corrected me where I was wrong. Someone who felt safe for me to voice my thoughts that are often to foreign to others.
This year I started exercising again. I can now run without thinking about how many calories I’m burning or which meal I can cancel out because of the distance I’ve covered. I can eat cake and enjoy it. Seven years down the line and God is still restoring, He is bringing healing to areas that I was content to forget. He is making me whole. Every Day.
To those who have facilitated in this process… How could I ever thank you enough. You all hold such a dear place in my heart, one that is so full of gratitude. Thank You!!